I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
