sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
