Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
