What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
