new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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