I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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