The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
