So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
