Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
