no, he came in my armpit
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
