Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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