my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
