If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
