I wish my penis had an off switch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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