Duck Duck Cougar?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
