I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
