the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
