Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
