Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
