Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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