When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
