my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
