i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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