I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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