i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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