You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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