you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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