I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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