Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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