I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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