last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
