Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
