these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
