my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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