Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
