I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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