Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
