I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just gargled with NyQuil
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
