just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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