I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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