there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
