I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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