When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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