I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize