It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
