god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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