Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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