I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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