Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
