someone threw a dead crab at me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
