Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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