I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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