She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
